


Wide-Eyed and Not in Love

by ImWithEnjolras



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 07:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4556331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImWithEnjolras/pseuds/ImWithEnjolras
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I like you, Noya-san.” Tanaka swallows back the choking feeling in his throat. Noya looks back at him wide-eyed, breaths puffing into the cold winter air. He hopes that he has clearly conveyed that his feelings for the libero aren’t the kind reserved for friends.</p><p>“I…” Tanaka bitterly grins to himself; it looks like Noya got it. “I don’t...I’ve never thought of you that way...Ryuu…”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wide-Eyed and Not in Love

**Author's Note:**

> ;;;u;;;
> 
> I dedicate this to Soph and Hann (@ madkyouken and @ glorypaid respectively on twitter) aka the authors of my heartbreak, The Two Crowns

“I like you, Noya-san.” Tanaka swallows back the choking feeling in his throat. Noya looks back at him wide-eyed, breaths puffing into the cold winter air. He hopes that he has clearly conveyed that his feelings for the libero aren’t the kind reserved for friends.

“I…” Tanaka bitterly grins to himself; it looks like Noya got it. “I don’t...I’ve never thought of you that way...Ryuu…”

He takes a shaky breath, the image of Noya - wide-eyed and not in love with him - seared in his mind’s eye. “That’s…” He doesn’t want to look at Noya right now, but it’s against his nature not to - he has to, this is best for both of them. “I...know and that’s okay, Noya-san.”

Tanaka looks up, smiling as gently as he can, crinkling his eyes so that Noya doesn’t have to see how badly he’s shattered, how much he’s hurting - like always.

“I’m-”

“At least I got to say it before I go.” Noya takes a step forward, but his hands remain at his sides.

“Go? Where are you…” Tanaka pretends that Noya sounds a little desperate, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“My grandmother in Tokyo had a fall...I’ll be moving there to take care of her and I’ll finish school over there. So...this is goodbye.”

“Wait, Ryuu! Y-You can’t! What about volleyball? What about...” Tanaka fidgets in place, willing away his tears. Noya still hangs back, and Tanaka figures this is the first time Noya hasn’t come towards him. “Why can’t nee-chan go?”

Tanaka shifts back a little, sticking his hands in his pockets to hide how much he’s shaking even though it’s not really that cold. “She’s got a lot going on here...the taiko nationals are coming up...and her whole car repair business...she can’t leave.”

All too suddenly, Noya’s in front of him ( _but_ , Tanaka thinks quietly, _still not touching me_ ). “And you? Don’t you...we have...what about you? The team? What about us?” Tanaka’s chest squeezes, _there is no us, remember?_

“Hinata’s well on his way to becoming the ace...and you still have Asahi-san and everyone...there’s nothing to worry about!” Tanaka tries to grin, he worries that it’s not enough. “‘Sides! I leave tomorrow and I already handed in the withdrawal form to Daichi-san! Oh man! Kiyoko-san was there too, I almost couldn’t handle it!” Tanaka laughs awkwardly before biting his lip momentarily. “I hope you guys make it to nationals...I’ll be cheering for you.”

He can’t do it anymore, he has to leave. Now. Tanaka turns swiftly, making his way to the staircase leading down the hill. But suddenly there’s a tug on the back of his jacket and he’s held in place.

“H-Hey! Th-This is a joke right? You’re not actually leaving, right Ryuu?” Noya spins him around and when his eyes finds tears in Tanaka’s eyes, the shorter boy’s head presses into Tanaka’s chest.

“S-Sorry...I’m being really pathetic, Noya-san…” Noya flinches at the honorific, at how the use of his last name still puts distance between them.

“I-If you want you can...touch me! Kiss me! You can do whatever you want! Just don’t leave...don’t leave me, Ryuu!” Noya pulls again on Tanaka’s jacket. “Please! Ryuu!” Tanaka gently pushes Noya back, the libero’s hold still strong around his waist.

He reaches to touch Noya’s cheek, but Noya still flinches and hesitates, shakes under Tanaka’s palm. Tanaka swallows his sadness again. He leans forward. “Thank you.” He presses his lips to Noya’s forehead. “I’m sorry.” He pulls away, dislodging Noya’s hold on him, all but running towards the stairs. “Goodbye.”

Noya grabs at Tanaka’s arm, but the ex-wing spiker pulls coldly away from the grip.

“No! Ryuu! Please!”

Tanaka runs down the stairs and never looks back. He runs and runs and he doesn’t break until he’s kicked off his shoes and slammed the door to his room behind him.

-

Four years go by surprisingly fast in Tokyo; he’s made friends in such a busy town. Admittedly, Tanaka found it hard to get used to a place that was so full of people and places and strangers. He ended up filling his time up with his studies and he took to running to let off steam. He eventually made a group of friends; no one got scared of his delinquent-esque looks, all being used to strange faces and stranger antics in a mosaic of a city.

He never could get back into volleyball again in high school though - at least, not on a team - not without his eyes prickling with tears or his chest squeezing just slightly from just the sound of sneakers squeaking on the gym floors. Instead, he lets his gear gather up dust in the back of his closet back in Miyagi; he never does watch nationals even though it happens just two blocks from his grandmother’s house. He is still a prisoner of his past - of his heart - of Nishinoya Yuu.

All in all, Tanaka figures, he’s had it pretty good here in Tokyo. His grades had gone up, probably due to him not actually doing much else than studying. He surprises his family and himself when he lands a full ride to Tokyo U on a fashion and design scholarship (and maybe a promise to check out the university’s volleyball team because he accidentally ran into a scout that remembers his brief middle and his even shorter high school volleyball careers on one of his early morning runs).

It’s his first summer after starting university when he returns to Miyagi - briefly though, because school starts back up in Tokyo and he actually really wants to make an effort in one of Japan’s most prestigious post secondary institutions. He’s only really back in Miyagi because his grandmother forced him to - and also because she was technically okay now that she had a caregiver, _so there’s really no need to worry Ryuu, I can pull up my pants on my own and everything._

Tanaka’s knees shake as he gets off the bus - he hasn’t gotten over Miyagi yet, not after four years, not after heartbreak. He feels sick to his stomach, but nostalgia hits him hard anyway and this clouds how badly he’s been feeling since he left his grandmother’s house that morning.

“Ryuu?”

Tanaka isn’t ready to face anyone in Miyagi - he’s not ready to face the ghosts of his past. Maybe Suga-san, maybe Hinata. Hell, he could maybe even handle Tsukishima right now, but not - definitely not -

“Noya-san…” He whispers breathlessly, throat instantly restricting. The fall of Noya’s plastic bag of groceries registers in the background of his consciousness. His mind is full of things he wants to say, but cannot, will not; _Noya, you’ve lost weight_.

Noya looks a little different. The blond streak is gone, and so is the extra 10cm of added height by hair. Instead, Noya’s kept it long and down and completely black. _It’s a good look on him_ , Tanaka thinks. And he’d say it out loud if he had any right to. But he doesn’t, so he shuts up.

“Uh…” Noya cuts himself off, looking straight at Tanaka. The other man looks anywhere but at Noya.

“I um...didn’t expect to see you here…” Tanaka dives into some sort of conversation, having mastered the art of awkward get-to-know-me’s four years ago.

“M-Me neither...Chikara just said to go this way-” Noya cuts himself off again and Tanaka almost winces - is it the use of Ennoshita’s first name? Or is it how nothing is smooth or natural anymore between them? “If I’d known…”

“...you wouldn’t have come this way..?” He means it as a joke - he’s developed a morbid and cold sense of humour, it’s become a problem according to Kuroo. And Futakuchi now that he thinks about it; both of these men are on the volleyball team with Tanaka, and both have to deal with the weird sense of humour he and Aone have.

It’s supposed to be a joke, but he flinches at the scowl that mars Noya’s features.

“That’s-!”

“I’ll just get going then.” Tanaka cuts this off like a bad infection, he needs to get out of here.

“Wait! No! I-” Tanaka swallows and Noya picks up his groceries. “Why don’t you come over? For old time’s sake? We’re going the same way anyway…”

This is true as far as Tanaka knows, so long as Noya hasn’t moved away he still lives on the same street, a few houses away. And before he realizes it, he’s following Noya back down a street that’s achingly familiar and one Tanaka hasn’t taken in over four years. It’s uncomfortably silent between them and Noya walks faster than Tanaka, the space between them growing. Tanaka smiles bitterly.

 _I could touch him,_ he lifts a hand and through his blurry gaze, Noya isn’t so far, _but I can’t._ His hand falls heavily to his side, his jaw clenches and he takes a few heavy steps forward. Noya’s too far.

How much do the gods hate him to make him go through this. Again.

Noya’s always been too far ahead of him. Now...now it’s too late…

-

When they get to Noya’s house, Tanaka slips into a personality that was him once upon a time ago - familiar, if a little rusty. “Aah! This is so nostalgic!” He traipses around Noya’s place, looking out at the well-kept backyard. “There’s the frog statue you got at the festival that one time!”

He points at a frog statue peeking in between tree branches, slightly faded from sun exposure. He turns again, finding Noya putting down glasses of cold tea on the table. This is almost normal.

Tanaka kneels on the other side of the table, in front of Noya, avoiding his gaze. He plays with the perspiring cup before him. “I heard you guys made nationals. Congratulations.”

That sounded a little hollow to him.

“You didn’t watch?” Tanaka shakes his head.

“I couldn’t...I was busy.” Lie. “I had it recorded and watched, though.” Lie. “Narita said seeing you catch the ball that led to the final point was something else though.” Truth. “A stunning libero...as always..”

“Narita?” Noya spins his cup between his fingers.

“Yeah, him and Kinoshita wouldn’t let me hear the end of it.” Tanaka chuckles, remembering the two donning their most Tanaka-like intimidation faces over Skype.

“You kept in contact with them?” Tanaka nods slowly, finally noticing that Noya’s been staring hard at a spot just by his hand.

Did he say something wrong? Was that not what he wanted to hear?

He’s startled out of his reverie by the slam of Noya’s palm on his table. In a flash, Noya is up and running out of the living room; Tanaka jumps up to follow him, the layout still familiar to him despite how hard he tried to erase everything from his mind. Noya runs to his bathroom and Tanaka hears the squeal of the shower being turned on.

“Noya-san…” He slides into the bathroom, finding Noya fully-clothed and under the spray of his shower. His fists are clenched against the tiled wall, breathing heavily, teeth clenched and eyes screwed shut. Tanaka steps in, the water getting him as well. “Noya-san your clothes…what are you do-”

“You never even contacted me once.” The rush of water is loud over top of them.

“What?” Tanaka is startled further when Noya grabs him and pushes him into the wall. His breath is stolen from his lungs as Noya pulls him down, harshly pressing his lips to Tanaka’s. When Noya pulls away, Tanaka stares wide-eyed. “Noya-san?”

“I...couldn’t breathe.” Noya’s fists bunch the front of Tanaka’s soaked shirt. “For the longest time, I forgot how to breathe.”

 _Dead_ , Tanaka thinks, _For the longest time I was dead_.

“Because you were gone...because you left me…” Noya weakly beats his fists on Tanaka’s chest. “It’s your fault…”

“You don’t need me, Noya-san...you never did.”

“Quit this ‘Noya-san’ bullshit! Like you don’t even know me!” Noya looks up at him, eyes clear and fierce. “You don’t get to decide what I do and don’t need!” Noya’s palms shake on Tanaka’s chest. “I thought about it wherever I went...whatever I did...whoever I was with...even on the court...why aren’t you here? I can’t…” Noya’s voice cracks and his body sags against Tanaka. “I can’t be without you. It has to be you. I _love_ you.”

Tanaka’s chest feels like someone’s opened it up and squeezed his heart before letting it go and letting everything flood his systems. He reaches forward, tilting Noya’s head back before crashing their lips together.

They fall back together like they’d never been apart.

_This whole time, I was dead. I thought, maybe, if I just saw you - even for a little, even from far away - I could feel alive again. I was wrong. So wrong. I need you more than I realize. I love you more than I realize. I’ve dreamt of this so many times. I was always alone. But this is real. You’re here. And you **love** me._

“Don’t let me go, Ryuu.”

“Never...Yuu.”

-

“Oh god, he hasn’t texted back at all.” Daichi, Ennoshita, and Suga sit around Tanaka Saeko’s dining room table, Ennoshita’s cell phone lying blank and silent in the center.

“This is bad right?” Suga’s in near hysterics, Ennoshita’s standing up and pacing...again, and Daichi feels like he’s going to puke. Hinata is somewhere in the Tanaka living room, rocking back and forth, squawking every once in a while.

“They’ll be fine…” Daichi wants to reassure everyone, but really is just trying reassure himself. “We just...have to trust in their bond.”

Daichi steels himself for the possibility that Tanaka is still as self-sacrificing as he was in high school.

Suga glances over at Hinata, who looks a little green.

“I should go get a-” Ennoshita’s phone rings a notification and the phone’s owner lies flat as a board on the ground.

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god.” Suga’s never been one to bite his nails, but this is one hundred times worse than nationals. Hinata actually hurls, but no one in the room, even Hinata, cares.

Ennoshita crawls over to the table, arm shakily reaching for his phone.

“I-It’s from Noya!”

“H-Hurry up, Ennoshita!”

“Let me prepare my heart!”

“There’s no time!”

“Open iiiiiiiit!”

“Why do you sound like Gollum?!”

Ennoshita starts mumbling prayers.

“Who are you even praying to?!”

“Anyone who’s listening!”

“Oh god let me die!!!”

“No one is going to die!!”

“I feel like I’m dead already!!!!!”

“You’re not allowed to die!!”

“You’re not the captain anymore, Daichi-san!!”

“Open the damn message, Ennoshita!”

The beep that comes from Ennoshita’s phone echoes around the room and all the men in the room slowly crack their eyes open to view the contents of Noya’s message.

“Oh my god!” All of them gasp before they start grinning.

“OH MY GOD!!!!!” And, as is the usual in the Tanaka household, a dance party begins.

Ennoshita’s phone is still open on Noya’s message and when Saeko takes a peek after swerving between the dancing teammates, she lets a small smile stretch across her lips. The picture that Noya sent is of her sleeping baby brother, shirtless, smiling, and gently grasping Noya’s hand in his own.

_Subj: Thanks._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hahaha got u all


End file.
